Just feeling rather moody n depressed after what happened last nite. Kinda woke me up and got me thinking about how I am and how I treat ppl. This usually happens after similar incidents. Once again, I realize I am still pretty much the same as b4. Not much change, even tho I've tried. Just like the saying, 'leopard can't change its spots' or 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks'.So what's this stuff about myself that I don't like? Here's a list.
Things I Don't Like About Myself:
- Being arrogant and thinking too highly of myself compared to my actual abilities
- Depending too much on others (80% of my DSP understanding is from copying Mike's old labs) and not doing enough to stop the dependence
- Get stepped on by certain 'geniuses' and still not voice it out, even though i'd normally snap the head off someone who'd dare bully me...
- Being lazy and wasting time playing games/sleeping/watching tv when I know there's a lot to do...and exams are in a month
- Not understanding a whole semester's worth of a subject...and not take the time to work on it
- Get angry at something small easily ...and take it out on innocent ppl who love me...
- Treat those around me badly...but always expect them to do stuff for me..or help me...
I think i can find reasons why I behave like this...but I think that's just finding excuses to forgive myself. Should just stop trying to explain all this and try to work harder on it...but it is very depressing to realize, that I'm still this crappy person who's pretty much useless. Wonder why I still have friends, and such a loving boyfriend, all of which i really don't deserve. *sigh*
Possible Reasons:
- depressed by current family situation: damm bratty brother i have whose ego is the size of KLCC Twin Towers, and thinks he's God's gift to girls (as if) and parents? Must have gotten my 'take it out on others tho it's not their fault' attitude from them....guess i got used to being such a easy target...all that pent-up depression from being at home...with all the crap that's going on btwn all of them....tho i guess i'm not helping much either
- i'm such an idiot...for not knowing more...for not being up to par as the geniuses in my class..
- it's currently that time of the month for me....and I do tend to feel easily angered/depressed and have serious mood swings during this time..
Last nite was a whole new level tho....felt really sad, upset..frustrated b4 i tried to sleep...like i had to break something, cut something...or scream my head off....kinda cooled off after using my currently-long fingernails to use..don't ask
Now in DSP lab...supposedly doing lab..but in btwn typing Matlab commands, I'm chatting in Gmail, downloading manga and updating this very depressing entry. Not to mention, I'm feeling pretty tired out....Haiz. I don't know what I'm doing now. Going to have to work hard, not only in studies, but...to try and fix myself. If only we were more like TV games, if you're not happy with your character's development, you can always start a new game. Or if we're a computer, we can uninstall and install new software. But life...really isn't easy.
Things I Don't Like About Myself:
- Being arrogant and thinking too highly of myself compared to my actual abilities
- Depending too much on others (80% of my DSP understanding is from copying Mike's old labs) and not doing enough to stop the dependence
- Get stepped on by certain 'geniuses' and still not voice it out, even though i'd normally snap the head off someone who'd dare bully me...
- Being lazy and wasting time playing games/sleeping/watching tv when I know there's a lot to do...and exams are in a month
- Not understanding a whole semester's worth of a subject...and not take the time to work on it
- Get angry at something small easily ...and take it out on innocent ppl who love me...
- Treat those around me badly...but always expect them to do stuff for me..or help me...
I think i can find reasons why I behave like this...but I think that's just finding excuses to forgive myself. Should just stop trying to explain all this and try to work harder on it...but it is very depressing to realize, that I'm still this crappy person who's pretty much useless. Wonder why I still have friends, and such a loving boyfriend, all of which i really don't deserve. *sigh*
Possible Reasons:
- depressed by current family situation: damm bratty brother i have whose ego is the size of KLCC Twin Towers, and thinks he's God's gift to girls (as if) and parents? Must have gotten my 'take it out on others tho it's not their fault' attitude from them....guess i got used to being such a easy target...all that pent-up depression from being at home...with all the crap that's going on btwn all of them....tho i guess i'm not helping much either
- i'm such an idiot...for not knowing more...for not being up to par as the geniuses in my class..
- it's currently that time of the month for me....and I do tend to feel easily angered/depressed and have serious mood swings during this time..
Last nite was a whole new level tho....felt really sad, upset..frustrated b4 i tried to sleep...like i had to break something, cut something...or scream my head off....kinda cooled off after using my currently-long fingernails to use..don't ask
Now in DSP lab...supposedly doing lab..but in btwn typing Matlab commands, I'm chatting in Gmail, downloading manga and updating this very depressing entry. Not to mention, I'm feeling pretty tired out....Haiz. I don't know what I'm doing now. Going to have to work hard, not only in studies, but...to try and fix myself. If only we were more like TV games, if you're not happy with your character's development, you can always start a new game. Or if we're a computer, we can uninstall and install new software. But life...really isn't easy.
