I know I haven't updated in over a year! Actually, I had posts that were in draft and have yet to finish them. But I just felt like posting this. Recently, I was introduced to the music of Death Cab for Cutie by Leonard and yeah, their album 'Plans' kinda struck a chord with me. Particularly this song.
Brothers on a Hotel Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
These lyrics kind of triggered me to think a lot more about what's going on in my life at the moment. And I can really relate to them. Why? I don't mean to say that I've physically changed. Of course, there are some changes in that sense...but the major change is more emotional and psychological.
Something he was not looking for
Both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident
I used to think that I'm not someone whose emotions can be easily affected. That I'm someone strong despite whatever crap happens and that I'd be able to pull through without having to depend on someone. But ever since I moved to KL, somehow I feel that I've gone through several mini 'breakdowns' and am constantly affected by a sense of helplessness. That I dont like what's going on in my life, yet I am unable to do much to change them. Or that I still need to wait things out before deciding what next. I also feel that my personality has somewhat changed as a result.
I used to think that I was kinda arrogant, and pretty confident in my capabilities. Now? I'd probably tell you that I dont have much to offer. As an employee, I'm probably just good at working hard, but not smart in the way of moving up. I'm not good at talking to management and all that unless I really have to. I used to think that I'd do well in admin/management position, but now I feel that it's so much bother, paperwork and reporting. Basically, you'd be in constant meetings, discussions, trying to figure out how to work things out to report to the boss, announce things to the underlings and all that. A lot of my friends are on the lookout for new jobs but me, I look at the adverts and go...I dont fit this requirement, I dont fit that. My degree is somewhat in the middle of fields, not good enough for purely electronics, not for pure computer science. And I am not exactly good in either fields, nor am I a good engineer. I do best in project engineering and yet, most project engineer posts require civil or mechanical knowledge. I'm also not sure if i should go into sales, after all, I'm rather introverted at first impression. So, where exactly does that leave me?
As a friend? Maybe I'm not such a good friend, in the sense that ppl dont contact me unless they need something? Maybe I'm just boring? I feel insecure in my position as a friend to others. I usually will worry that someone else will become closer to this friend than me, and I get all jealous when that happens. I know that's stupid, but i cant help it. Nowadays I feel that I have less people to confide in? And that 95% of my friends are no longer single, so I dont feel good taking up their time in that case. So yea, feel kinda lonely a lot of the time and I keep a lot of stuff to myself compared to previously. Or end up confiding in people that I never expected to be close to. But hey, at least they're willing to listen.
Relationships? I guess a psychiatrist would consider me probably destructive and constantly on the defense. Or that I just dont know how to be in a relationship for long. I am afraid of really caring for someone and showing them. I think I feel that if i get into things too deeply, I'm afraid that I'd get hurt and tend to hurt them first. End things on my terms and all that. And if i get criticized by them, I would always find excuses to defend myself, twist things around etc. Maybe that's just normal for us...but I dont know. I kinda feel that I dont know how to deal with guys. That they probably treat me as one of the guys and that sucks at times. Yeah, that makes me cool to hang out with but not someone to date. And yet, I'm not entirely sure I want to change that. Half the time I enjoy just hanging with the guys, just coz i like the same stuff. But when the guy I have some interest in, just treats me like the rest of the guys..then major ouch.
See what I mean? I think I've never been as insecure or lost as I am now. I joke that I've reached my 'quarter life crisis' a yr early. I know that it's probably time to make some decisions but I dont think i'm ready to. Now that we're considered adults, living on our own, joining the working life, there is just so much more to think about. There would be major consequences to whatever decisions we make. It's not just about us anymore. More things would be affected. No matter how much I think, I still feel lost. And I just want to get rid of all these problems, and live a care-free life. Go on holiday and forget it all. That works..for a few days and when i come back home... reality and all its problems come crashing back at me. It might have been better not to have gone on holiday at all. But I guess, sometimes clarity comes to u at the oddest times and a short break would do the body well, if not the mind. These lyrics from the ending of the song kinda sums things up for me.
On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed
We couldn't break from the concrete
